Making Up is Hard to Do
by Kayzo
Summary: Dean and Cas are idiots. Sam has known this for a while, but the extent is really quite maddening. They're just lucky he's there to set them straight. sequel to 'Love of an Angel' and 'Rejection of a Human'
1. Chapter 1

Castiel is hurting. He has hurt before, many times; countless injuries to his vessel, endless hurts to his grace and being in heaven, back when he knew his cause was just, the light of God guiding his sword. But this isn't the same. This is some new, unfathomable hurt that Castiel knows no angel would ever experience. That he's now human is the least of his worries.

(He can feel it though, every cell in this—his?—body dying, nearing the end. And it's something an immortal being has a hard time understanding. How do humans _function_, with death clinging to their every fiber? It's a cold, cloying feeling that has Cas wanting to yell stop and have time obey him, but it will not, it will never obey him again.)

The pain is emotional. He knows this, and yet it feels as though something is constricting around his heart, making every beat painful. Castiel has never heard of having 'a broken heart', but he would agree, and then wonder why God cursed his favorite creations with them.

He finds himself standing outside the Impala, looking over the black frame that shines, even in the dim lights of the motel parking lot. Dean loves this car, adores every imperfection and nuance.

Cas wants to be jealous or angry, to be able to blame something, to yell at the car for being show love from the man that Cas wants to be shown affections from so deeply, and he knows its crazy and senseless, but he thinks it would give him release.

But he can't muster the effort that that takes. All he sees when he looks at the Impala is the trusted companion of Sam and Dean Winchester, the one thing that has stayed a constant, been with them for far longer than Castiel. He can only see a safe haven and a home. Castiel's home is closed off from him now, in more ways than ever (he refuses to look up, as if the gates to heaven will be visibly closed, unyielding to Castiel and the sins he now carries). He can only hope that the Impala will be willing to spare some of that comfort as he opens the back door, using a bit of what he has left of his grace to unlock it silently.

He slips in, shuts the door behind him and runs his hand along the interior, feeling it warm. He leans back against the door and rests his side along the back of the seat, curling his legs up and wrapping his arms loosely around them.

He will not cry. Although it feels as though an angel's blade is in his chest, not destroying outright, but slowly tearing at what is left of his grace until what remains is tatters not worthy of the title. This does not deserve his tears. There are heartaches far worse than this that humans have gone through for millennia, are going through now, and will go through again in the future. The pain of one fallen and disgraced angel does not deserve tears.

The silence of the Impala, so like the silence in his head, is a comfort where the other is a terror. It is solid against him as so many things are not, letting him _be _without expectation or orders. A wrinkle in time, however fake, that is much appreciated.

There's a tap on the glass, and as Cas whips around, astonished (scared) that he did not know of someone coming this close, the illusion is ruined. It's Sam, and Cas is hastening to open the door.

"Hey Cas," Sam is leaning on the frame, a drop of confusion marring his tone, "What're you doing out here? I was just gonna bring in the food." He raises a plastic bag a touch.

Just as he did not think to hide his love for Dean, he does not think to hide from Sam, only having the slightest hesitation, "I told Dean that I love him."

Cas can tell Sam is trying to keep any reaction inward, and he looks away, unwilling to sit through the emotions that still flash through Sam's eyes. That must tell Sam something, because his tone is infinitely softer.

"Oh Cas, was Dean an idiot again?" He's sympathetic and Cas doesn't know what to do with it, "you know he loves you too, right?"

"I do," and Cas does. He knows Dean better than he knows himself, he knows how deeply Dean can love, and he knows that Dean loves him. But…"I think he is afraid of being hurt, Sam, he thinks I would hurt him." Which is preposterous and entirely unfounded. Castiel has loved Dean since he saw his soul through the fires of hell, putting a name to that love is not a mark of an approaching end.

Sam sees that too, "Dean's an idiot," he sighs.

"He thinks I can't love"

"Oh, um, wow, that's a new level, even for him."

"It is my fault, I should have known that Dean would not like a 'chick-flick moment," he tries to keep the rueful quality from his voice.

"No, Cas, screw him! He can be a jerk if he wants, be he can't go around screwing with the people he loves and who love him" Sam is seething, "he can't take the best thing that's going for him and shove it away! He's sabotaging his own fucking happiness, he's-!" Sam is cut off by a growl, "…was that you?"

"…I seem to be hungry."

Sam lets out a bark of laugher, choosing to take amusement from the human condition instead of allowing it to horror him, and reaches into his bag, grabbing a wrapped hamburger and passing it over.

"I'm guessing that you don't want to eat inside." Cas simply starts to unwrap the burger, "Yeah, okay, I'll go in and talk to him."

"Don't, Sam" Cas doesn't take his eyes off the burger, "just—don't."

Sam's huff is less than sympathetic, "between the two of you, you'll never be happy. I'm starting to think you're both masochists."

"Sam."

Sam raises his hands in surrender and walks away, shaking his head as he goes.

* * *

><p>so I'm back! I finally got Word on my computer, but I'm leaving for the airport in half an hour, so I had to be quick with this, so please excuse any mistakes, any and all are entirely of my own doing.<p>

like it? hate it? abhor it? don't leave me in the dark!


	2. Chapter 2

"Dean!" Sam throws the door open, his face set in a scowl.

"What?" Dean jerks up from the bed, glaring back at his brother.

"Do you even know what you did to Cas?"

"The fuck are you talking about, Sam?" Dean stands, ready for a confrontation.

Sam drops the plastic bag he was holding and walks up to Dean, letting his words out in an angered hiss, "He's out there, right now, _crying_, because of _you._"

"What the hell, no he isn't" Dean scoffs, but Sam sees the shift of his eyes to the window for a split second.

He wants to smirk at how predictable his brother is, so ready to kill his own happiness, thinking that he would be the only one it would hurt, not seeing how his happiness intertwines with those who care for him, love him. Dean is pushing Cas away because he thinks Cas will hurt him, will get tired of him and leave him (like Dad did, like he did, a small part of his mind taunts, making Sam all the more intent on saving Dean from his self endued pain), and Dean would rather take the pain now then have that happiness and have it taken away.

But he sneers instead, "really Dean? I know you're an ass, but this is too much. He just turned human—for _you_—and you throw him out? _This_ is how you show your love?" Sam dares his brother to say he doesn't, dares him to say that he doesn't love Cas.

"What does it matter, Sam? He doesn't know what the fuck _love_ even _is—_"

Sam makes a half choked sound between disbelief and a laugher, "_Seriously?_ Seriously, Dean? You think-" he cuts himself off to shake his head in incredulity, "I can't believe this. Dean, Cas _loves you_, and—and saying he doesn't is an _insult_. He looks at you like you're the best thing on this godforsaken world, Dean, you're the reason he's here, the reason he's _human_"

"And I can't _take that_" Dean turned away, running a hand through his hair aggressively, "I can't be his _reason,_ Sam, I'm a screw up, I'll mess this up and hurt Cas and I can't _do_ that! He's already human, I already took away his family, and…and I just can't hurt him any more."

"Dean, you're hurting him right now." Sam follows Dean with his eyes as he paces back and forth, "like it or not, you _are_ his reason, and you have to take responsibility. You didn't take away his family, he _chose_ us, because he loves us. Dean, the only thing you're doing to hurt him is telling him he doesn't love you. Really, what _were_ you thinking…"

Dean curses, "I don't know, okay? He just—he blurted it out and what the fuck was I supposed to do with that?"

"Oh, I don't know, tell him how you feel?"

Dean banged his fist on the flimsy bedside table, "where is he?" he asks through clenched teeth.

"Probably still crying his eyes out in the Impala," and before Sam is done, Dean is already pushing past him and out the door, pulling it closed behind him.

Sam lets himself smile.

* * *

><p>ahahahah i don't even know what I'm typing any more. No, Cas isn't crying, Sam is being dramatic for effect, even when he's helping his brother he still has to mess with him a little bit. it's kind of his job as a little brother. because if he came straight out and told Dean he was helping him, Dean wouldn't go for it at all, but play the guilt card and Dean jumps up...<p>

anyway, suffice to say I did this rather quickly, so do tell, like it? hate it? want it to cry itself to sleep in shame?


	3. Chapter 3

Dean is across the parking lot before he's even thought of it, and, more importantly, before he knows what to say. He takes a shuttering breath to try and calm himself, tapping on the glass and glances around as Cas opens the door.

"Dean?" Dean tries not to look down, he doesn't want to see tear stained cheeks, but those blue eyes on him are like a magnate and his eyes find there way to Cas's. Cas's suspiciously dry eyes.

"You're not crying." Dean say, a dash of surprise coloring his voice.

"No, I am not," Cas cants his head, trying to figure Dean out. Dean runs a hand across his face, Sam had played.

"if it's any consolation," Cas starts, and this time his eyes aren't on Dean, instead looking down to where his hands fiddle with the edge of a burger wrapper still half full of burger, Dean doesn't know if that's better or not, "I almost did."

"Really?"

Cas looks up now, a scowl set on his face, a speck of ketchup on his cheek at odds with the angel Dean still thinks of him as "I would not lie to you Dean."

"Yeah, you wouldn't, would you," Dean mumbles, more to himself than the angel. Cas nods at the affirmation, his eyes again finding Dean's, but this time it is Dean that looks away, eyes trained on the small imperfection on Cas's face.

"You've got…" Dean makes a vague gesture at his own face. Cas lifts a hand and whips the spot, streaking red across his cheek, worse than before.

It looks like blood.

It hits Dean then that, no matter what happens now, Cas is going to leave him. Cas is human. Be it by emotional human folly or by death and disease, Cas will either walk away or bleed his human blood until there's nothing left. The moments he's here are already wasting away, and what did Dean do? Dean sent him with nothing more eloquent than a 'fuck you'.

"So, you know I…" Dean clears his throat, suddenly tight as it is, "I didn't mean to come across all," he makes another vague gesture with his hands, trying to emissive his entire list of faults with the movement, trying to say 'sorry for being a jerk, an ass, harsh, closed off—_me_', but if Cas gets it, he's ignoring it, just looking at his in that slightly confused way of his, head tilted and eyes bright.

Dean knows this is a bad idea, but when has he ever been known to follow the intelligent path? That's more Sammy's thing.

Before he can chicken out, Dean leans down and places a chaste kiss on Cas's lips as the angel stays stalk still, staring at him. Dean turns away from those too blue eyes, shoves his hands in his pockets and tries to pass off the heat going to his face as something other than what it is.

"You know I'm a dick. Sam knows I'm a dick. Hell, some ghost flu knew I'm a dick. I screw things up, Cas, and I don't want to screw things up with you."

"Dean," Cas says softly, and this is it, this is where Cas tells him that it's all some sort of ruse, or that Dean's more broken than even he thought. This is where Cas tells him he's leaving and this will be where Dean's heart breaks so thoroughly he's not sure he'll be able to put it back together again.

Dean turns, slowly, cautiously, trying to lift his shields in an attempt to make it hurt less when Cas surges up, wraps his arms around Dean's neck in one sure motion and meets Dean's lips in a kiss.

It's soft. Dean didn't notice before, too wrapped up in thought of how this was a bad (_very bad_) idea, but Cas's lips are full and soft. Chapped, sure, and the rasp of stubble isn't something he's used to, but it's Cas. Cas is here and Cas isn't going away and Cas is _kissing him_.

Cas starts to pull back, hesitant and nervous like he's not sure he's done it right. He looks at Dean through his eyelashes, and it's not something meant to seduce, just a consequence of the angle, and his tongue sneaks out to lick his dry lips, nervous and and that's when Dean remembers that Cas isn't just new to this, he's _new_ to this.

Some sort of blasphemy escapes him, from the frown that tugs on Cas' lips, but it doesn't matter because Dean, in a flurry of activity, grabs Cas around his waist and pulls him close, bringing their bodies together as he kisses Cas. Not a soft, shy kiss like the others, but filled with relief and purpose and a swirl of other emotions that Dean doesn't bother figuring out because right now is enough.

Cas makes a sound—a moan, a mewl, a shudder of breath—and Dean tightens his hold on Cas's waist and slips his tongue in Cas's mouth. It's like fucking sparks straight to the pleasure nerves in his body and Dean is pushing Cas back, getting them both into the backseat of the Impala without leaving Cas's lips alone for a second.

When they finally do break away, they're breathing heavy and Cas is looking at Dean like he's just found God.

"I love you."

Cas says it, and in the silence of the car, it sounds extremely loud. Cas's eyes go wide, as if he hadn't meant to say it, hadn't meant to say what had made Dean cast him away in the first place, and Dean hates that he's the one that put that look there. Before Cas can retract the statement, come up with some excuse, or more away, Dean kisses him on the forehead.

"I know," Dean mumbles into Cas's hair. Because he can't say it yet, even though this is _Cas_ and Cas would never hurt him, he still can't say it.

Cas pulls back, and the smile he gives Dean shows him that he already knows, he _gets_ it.

Doesn't mean Dean's going to stop trying.

And one day (soon) when Cas says 'I love you' Dean's going to answer 'I love you too'.

* * *

><p>I'm not dead yet! sorry this has taken so long, this whole college thing seems like it would give me more time, but I'm quickly learning that isn't really the case. Anyway, enough about my boring life. In other news, Dean made a star wars refrence and sap continues to be sappy.<p>

Despise it? Detest it? Want Crowley to feed it to his hell hounds? do tell!


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